The List: Top 5 evil foreigners in film.

So we did it America. We found and killed Osama Bin Laden and threw his body in the ocean and then hauled it back to the U.S. of A. to… I don’t know, give him the Weekend at Bernies treatment with Cheney and Bush jr. Hell that’s a movie I’d see for sure. Anyways all this patriotism this past weekend with the Royal Wedding and our vengence against Osama got me thinking about the worst of the worst. Who are the most evil of villains in film that talk with a funny accent?

Who doesn’t like foreign people? Most people in this country have ancestors who were once foreigners, and not all of them turned out bad. However there are a few who did their best to be supreme king evil and, I, along with the rest of the Fandom Menace decided it was time to crown the baddest of the baddies, and have compiled for your reading pleasure, the best of the worst.

Number 5:Team Iceland (D2:The Mighty Ducks)

Get a look at these guys! Team Iceland was the odds on favorite when they entered the Junior Goodwill Games, hell in their first game against Team USA (the Ducks, with some new fellas) they killed em 12-1 with ease. The mastermind of the master race look-a-likes was non other than former NHL goon Wolf “The Dentist” Stansson whose “show no mercy attitude” accompanied by his “don’t fuck with me” looks is nothing short of evil. He even makes smiling scary.

He would be a lot scarier if he weren't so damn handsome

During the first game not only to they outscore Team USA, but they damn near cripple Charlie Banks, the teams center, by slashing his wrist with a hockey stick. Showing no remorse, the kid who does this announces that the time in the penalty box is well worth it. Coach Gordan Bombay should be on this shit but he can’t, as he is out maneuvered by Stasson in a one on one game, has is balls in a twist for Team Icelands Maria, and has his head so far up his ass with the thought of fame he is powerless to help.

Eventually the team pulls it together and send Iceland back to wherever the hell they come from and win the cup, or title, or whatever and Queen’s “We Are The Champions” plays, but really Iceland had the Ducks number. How you are able to use a lasso in a hockey game and not get an immediate test for meth I’ll never know.

Number 4: Viggo the Carpathian (Ghostbusters 2)

Vigo the Carpathian is in at Number 4, with good reason. With the colorful nicknames like Vigo the Cruel, Vigo the Torturer, and Vigo the Despised, you start to see the picture painted of why this man is on the list. Born in the Balkan kingdom of Carpathian in Hungary, Vigo set out on world domination by first ruling over his home country, and later the country of Moldovia in Romania. People weren’t to thrilled this guy was in charge, and they showed how upset they were by leading an uprising against him and killed him at the ripe old age of 105. Okay killed is an understatement, he was poisoned, shot, hung, stabbed, stretched, disembowled, and then the removed his head. Folks this was a bad guy. Flash forward to present day 1989 where Mr Grumpy pants decides he wants to be reborn and rule the world even more, so he tricks poor Janosz Poha into bringing him poor baby Oscar to try and inhabit his body. Man alive this guy is fucked up, and poor Janosz thinks he’s gonna get to tap that sweet 1980’s Sigourney Weaver. The things men do for tang.

You poor, poor bastard.

Number 3: Hans Landa (Inglourious Basterds)

Okay, enough dickin’ around. Those last to were a little dickish, and a touch ghoulish, but this guy is fucking EVIL! Hans Landa is a German SS officer in the Sicherheitsdienst and a high ranking officer at that decorated in many medals displaying this. Nicknamed the “Jew Hunter” for his keen sense of locating those chosen people.

The opening scene of the film portrays him to be a very confident, handsome and well spoken man. He is not just a soldier in the Third Reich he is the soldier. When things need to get done and people need to be killed Hans is who Der Furher turns too. Fluent in many languages he uses both his French and English in order to flush out a family of Jews underneath the floor boards of a French farmer. He then instructs the SS soldiers to fire their guns down into the same floor boards, but leaves one alive a young girl named Shoshanna. As the young girl flees for her life covered in her family’s blood Hans points his gun at her where at anytime he can pull the trigger and put an end to this young woman’s life instead however, he decides that she should keep her “life” and live in fear for the rest of her life, always looking over her shoulder.

When it is discovered one of that Bridget Von Hammersmark, a popular German actress, is a double agent working with the enemy, Hans takes things into his own…hands. The scene of Hans and Ms Von Hammersmark together is one of the most tense scenes I’ve seen in a movie in a long, long time. SO evil he turns on his own people. Landa arranges a deal with the Americans to make a better life for himself by helping the Basterds not only assassinate Hitler, but many other high ranking officers as well. Hans Landa is one of the most terrifying, evil, and worst off likeable villains in all of cinemas history.

Number 2: Hans Gruber (Die Hard)

It may be safe to say that Hans is an evil name all together. We have two on the list and both in the top 3. Hans Gruber may surprise a lot of you who looked at this list and thought instantly he was a lock. For those of you who have seen Die Hard you know why. Gruber is the leader of an international terrorist unit who take hostage the entire Nakatomi Plaza building on Christmas eve (DICKS!) in an attempt to steal $640 million in bearer bonds from the buildings vault. Gruber has all the charm and charisma as all of our previous entries and that voice. Shivers up and down the spine when he speaks. He’s the reason there is such a thing as Stockholm syndrome. He’s a bad guy, but he’s the kind of bad guy whose approval you want. Whether he’s blowing up a helicopter and killing innocent people, or taking an innocent woman hostage to lure her husband out to eventually kill them both, Gruber has such confidence in what he is doing he never sees the end coming and even when falling to his end he is as big a dick as we’ve seen in film in many years, and what’s worse is he looks great doing it.

Damn he's smooth.

And Number 1 is…

Ivan Drago (Rocky IV)

Ivan Drago may just be the worst villain in all of cinema history. He’s big, he’s mean, he was a communist during the 80’s and he had a hard time being understood. Forget a funny accent he could hardly be understood at all. I myself can only make out select sentences, and even those are frightening. “I must break you” and “If he dies, he dies” will be things forever associated with Ivan Drago. Not only is he a former gold medal Olympian, but he is also a Captain in the hated Red Army, and was seen as a Hero of the Soviet Union. Hell he killed Apollo Creed for Christs sake. Killed him, like dead. At a simple exhibition match against a 42 year old way past his prime. He mutters three words to him at the beginning of the fight, “You will lose” I’m sure if Apollo knew the rest of the line was “your life” Creed may have reconsidered. Drago is a big, strong, mean looking guy with a big, strong, mean looking woman in his corner. Ivan’s wife, and mouthpiece is Ludmilla Drago who only adds to his “fearitude”.

Beauty and the Beast all rolled into one.

Whether Drago is taking steroids, or pummeling another fighter to death at a charity fight (DICK!) he makes you truly hate him on a real personal level. Oh and not to mention he is primarily responsible for Rocky’s head trauma that leads him to retire in the first place which made Rocky 5 such a piece of shit. Add all that up and we have our number 1 of the most evil foreigners in all of film.

~ by Nick Camarena on May 4, 2011.

4 Responses to “The List: Top 5 evil foreigners in film.”

  1. Ha! I called four of the five! Little bummed Cassanova Frankenstein didn’t make the list though.

  2. You were the only one who named him. Had a lot of really good ones from everyone.

  3. What no Predator?

  4. No Siamese cats from Lady and the Tramp huh? IS it just me or did you hate those asshole cats? And I love cats! Yet I’ve never owned a Siamese and never will.

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