The Decline of Western Civilization Part 3: The Maury Years

There are catchphrases that the wonderful world of television provides that will echo in our subconscious for all eternity…

“Yabba Dabba Do!”
“Heeeeere’s Johnny!”
“You are NOT the father!”

There has never before been a catchphrase spoken that has so prominently announced the hilarity and downright horror of our crumbling culture as the third sentence on the list. The Roman Empire was destroyed from the inside with help in the form of gambling, Vomitoriums, and constant mass orgies. What it lacked, however, was a show whose sole purpose has become announcing to the masses that we are surrounded by morons who can’t figure out who the father of their children are. And because of that, I think the United States (a.k.a “The New Roman Empire”) has a one-up on those slackers! U-S-A! U-S-A!!

For those of you who have lives and are not home in the middle of the day, The Maury Povich show is the talk show equivalent of an abortion that stands on the highest mountain and shouts to the heavens “Hey God! Maybe you should reconsider your stance on not flooding the world again!”. Mid day television is basically a wasteland anyway, with an overabundance of crazy court room shows, soap operas, and Oprah. But Maury is by far the Master Blaster of this mid day “Thunderdome”.

Seriously, does Connie Chung know what you're up to during the day?

Before I continue, maybe it’s best to give you a sample of what I am talking about…

In case you didn’t notice (or you passed out due to an overdose of retardedness), this woman has been on the show nine times. NINE TIMES. And she has tested eleven different men. ELEVEN FUCKING MEN. Take a minute to let this sink in. I mean really think about this…

1) She doesn’t know who the father of her child is.
2) She has brought in eleven different men who might possibly be the father.

This means that in the time that her child was conceived, she had sex with at least ELEVEN DIFFERENT MEN. Seriously, What the fuck!? It isn’t as if science can’t figure out the exact time frame that the child was conceived. It’s not like we have to assume that maybe conception occurred sometime between the months of March and April. NO! It is a very small period that we are working with here. And in this small period this woman allowed ELEVEN DIFFERENT MEN to fly their tie fighter into her Death Star Trench. Oh and it doesn’t stop there! Not by a fucking long shot! Take a look at these clips:

I can keep these coming forever, but I’ll just go ahead and give you my personal favorite…

OH. MY. GOD. This can’t be right. No No NO. Somebody has to be fucking with us. I mean honestly, take a close look at ROW 3, SEAT 2. Do they really want us to think that the late Orville Redenbacher could possibly be the father!? (Yes, I know that this is Uncle Frank from the Jimmy Kimmel show, but come on… she probably fucked him too)

To be fair, the validity of these paternity episodes have been called into question by many people who simply can’t believe that there are this many retarded and slutty women living on this planet. And my opinion (no, my HOPE) is that some of these cases are just for entertainment value. But even still, if this is just for show, what does this say about us as a society? We obviously enjoy watching these women come on Maury day after day looking for the father of their poor kids. Christ, these paternity shows basically take up 98% of Maury’s episodes, so we know that there is an audience for it. Are we promoting the decline of morality? Are we sending younger generations a message of irresponsibility?

Or maybe just sweet sweet dance moves...

“Don’t worry, little girl. You can fuck all the guys you want. And when one of them inevitably knocks you up and you can’t figure out which of the plethora of cocks is the culprit, you can just go on the Maury Show as many times as you need to find the answer! If anything you’ll be on T.V!”

I can’t help but think about these poor kids that are being showcased as bastard children on national television. Again, we can hope that these shows are all staged, but these kids will eventually grow up and realize that Mommy exploited them on television and the clips of her being rejected time and time again are now viral hits on YouTube. How low can you possibly get? I for one prefer the mass orgy approach to self destruction. And now a glimpse into the Maury Show from the long long ago…


~ by Brandon Gnuschke on May 5, 2011.

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