This Week In Flim: Chairman of the Board.
I’m Nick the Mexican, and welcome to the very first installment of “This Week In Flim”. So what is a flim you may be wondering? We’ll it’s taken from a joke in an episode of The Simpsons, where major Hollywood film makers are looking for a place to film their new Radioactive Man movie. They happen to come across a tiny advertisement for Springfield with the header Flim Springfield. The executives are very excited based on the idea that the place must be hot seeing as how they don’t need a big ad or even correct spelling. To me a flim has always been a movie that wasn’t necessarily a bad movie just a movie that wasn’t really that good. There are sometimes I like going to the movies and see things I’ve never seen done, or to gaze upon beautiful cinematography, or to see actors at the height of their time creating timeless characters. Then there are times I just wanna see something with Paulie Shore. Some movies are just made to be watched.
So with that in mind I thought I’d tell you about a flim I have loved for many years now and tell you a little story about a classic you may have missed.
Chairman of the Board was released in the year of our lord 1998 and was declared a cinematic abortion by almost everyone who reviewed it. It “stars” prop comedian Carrot Top, Courtney Thorne Smith (Melrose Place, According to Jim) Larry Miller (from fucking everything filmed in the last 20 years) and…it’s…AWESOME. Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s a bad movie, with great talent wasted talent all over the place, terrible jokes, crude dialog, and Raquel Welch, but I like it, and that’s all I can really say in my defense. The movie focuses on Edison (Carrot Top) an inventor of sorts who has terrible ideas, and even worse inventions. The whole movie is basically a way to showcase this ghoul of a “man” and his props that he uses in his stand up show. His acting is as comfortable as colonic from your mother, and just as pleasant. Edison because of his zany inventions and free spirit has a very hard time finding a job and is at risk of losing his beach house that he shares with his equally zany surfer type friends. He soon meets an old guy by the name of Armand McMillan (Jack Warden of Problem Child) who is a fellow surfer and a convenient billionaire. Armand and Edison become friends through surfing and because of Edison’s creativity and drive to be an inventor Armand for what ever reason decides to leave Edison his company where they just happen to create and invent stuff just in case he dies… which he does. Yep Armand dies and at the funeral where they read his will everyone, including his evil nephew Bradford (Miller), is shocked. Yes this is where things get crazy!
So Edison is made the head of the company and the whole thing slowly begins to unravel. Until Edison comes up with his greatest invention, Portable TV Dinners. TV dinners with a little screen so you can watch TV while you eat. They are exactly what they sound like . Bradford desperate to crush Edison steals his invention journal and uses one of his ideas known as Glow Gunk (fucking glow in the dark paint!) to convince everyone who has had a TV Dinner that they have been exposed to radiation. Edison should have been more careful with this, but he was too busy trying to rub dongs with Natalie (Smith). The company starts to take a turn for the bad as Bradford is made the new CEO of the company and has decided to sell it of to Raquel Welch, I don’t remember her name but really it doesn’t matter. Eventually with the help of Otho from Beetlejuice and the old guy that looks like the old Muppet, Edison points out to everyone that if people had been exposed to radiation of that amount they wouldn’t glow they’d be dead. We are to believe I guess that things like death through radiation would escape the eyes of the FDA. So Bradford is fired and Raquel Welch can’t purchase the company, and Edison appoints Natalie the new CEO and decides he’d rather Work in reseach and developement. Then they kiss. Ew. How can she resist right?
So after all that you may be asking yourself, so what’s to like? Honestly I can’t give you that answer. If you’ve seen it chances are you hate it and you hate the person who made you watch it. If you haven’t this probably isn’t gonna convince you. You like most Americans more likely than not hate Carrot Top. In the movies defense however it is only 95 minutes long, and it has lots of bright colors to look at. The soundtrack also includes songs from Man Or Astroman, The Ramones, and a couple tracks from the The Scofflaws. I can’t really explain why I like a lot of the movies I do. Sometimes I just put these flims on and use them as background noise while I’m working on other things. Sometimes I’ll sit back actually watch them. Chairman of the Board is no different. Some movies are about great men and women of history. Some take place in countries at war and make you think about your place in this world. Some are epic with superheros and Hobbits and such with dazzling visual effects. Some movies, however, are just made to be watched, and to do their best to try and entertain you and hope to make you laugh. Either you hate these movies, or for whatever reason you, like me, like them and don’t really understand why you do, but for whatever reason you just do. Chairman of the Board is a classic of flim, and Carrot Top is the Anthony Hopkins of the genre.
See you next week.