The List: Top 5 Biggest Cockteases in Television History

Women. Women. Women. Oh how wonderfully confusing they are. From the moment we young lads start sprouting hairs in odd locations and begin to sound like a tranny going through hormone injections, we obtain a bizarre attraction and curiosity towards the opposite sex. We are slaves to their female witchcraft and they know it. They use their wicked powers to manipulate the male mind in ways that boggle even the most brilliant of minds. Not only is this common knowledge, but it is also often used for comedic purposes on a regular basis. And no other place is that used more than in the world of television. It seems that no matter the generation, we have all been subjected to females on the small screen that display these powers that bring their male counterparts to their knees. And the worst part about this? For all of the bidding that these poor men do, they are never rewarded with the one damn thing that they are looking for! And to make matters worse, women use that one thing as their weapon! It’s wrong. It’s horrible. It’s hilariously fucked up. Here are five of the worst cases of Cockteasery in television history!

5. Quinn Morgendorffer (Daria)

The charges of Cockteasery: For five seasons we watched the ditzy sister of our favorite monotonically  sarcastic anti-hero rob the men of Lawndale High of their dignity and wallets without ever a promise of even first base. She flaunted her cute outfits and allowed men to fight to the death for her on a daily basis, all the while looking for her next big bank account to rob from. I doubt that the idea of sleeping with a man to gain want you want never crossed Quinn’s mind when you realize that she could get a guy’s name wrong for 5 years and he’s still madly in love with her. That is talent.

How to get her in bed: If you were eager to get into the animated pants of Ms. Morgendorffer, be prepared to to rob Fort Knox.

4. Donna Martin (Beverly Hills: 90210)

The Charges of Cockteasery: Let’s be honest here, nobody really wanted to sleep with Donna. When placed next to the group that made up the female half of the show, Donna was rather unsettling to look at. But it was the fact that she so blatantly announced her virginity that made so many guys want her. They would chase and chase, but get absolutely nowhere. She maintained her purity for years until poor David finally got to hit it. But at what cost? She was whiny, annoying, bitchy, and possibly a little retarded. And it wasn’t like David wasn’t a bad looking guy, he could have gone elsewhere to sew his wild oats. But like any other man presented with such a challenge, he fought on through all of Donna’s unattractive characteristics to find his way to the holy land. Was it worth it? Probably not. But to make any guy chase after a female with the personality of a tissue box and the looks of a still-born horse, you deserve to be labeled a cocktease.

How to Get Her in Bed: Well, considering you actually want to, I have a possible suggestion; make her feel smart and beautiful. Yeah, it might sound simple enough, but remember she is standing in between smarty pants Andrea and hottie Kelly. Good luck!

3. Winnie Cooper (The Wonder Years)

The Charges of Cocteasery: From 1988-1993, Ms. Cooper is responsible for more young boys discovering their sexual obsession/frustration than any other female on television. So many boyhood crushes were formed by the moment we were introduced to her character (myself included) and many of us are still left enamored and confused. But why? Because she was so hot? Maybe. But I believe that it has to do with her roller coaster relationship with Kevin Arnold. Kevin was just like us, struggling to survive the trials and tribulations of childhood. We related to Kevin, therefore we too lusted for Winnie. That special music would play every time she appeared on screen, and every time we swooned as she was throw her long hair back in torturous slow motion. And the worst part was that you can tell that she knew how wicked it was, and she didn’t care. She dicked Kevin around for years, breaking up with him for stupid reasons and forcing him to fantasize about her from afar. And the icing on the cake is that they didn’t end up together. So it’s quite possible that Winnie never gave Kevin some of that free love that was going around in the 60’s.

How to get her in bed: This one is tough, but I think I have the answer. You have to be Winnie Cooper. You must know every single thing she is thinking at every single moment as to prevent ever fucking up in her eyes. Hey, I didn’t say that it was going to be easy, in fact, this is exactly why she is on the list.

2. Kelly Kapowski (Saved by the Bell)

The Charges of Cockteasery: Kelly Kapowski was the definition of we here at the Fandom Menace like to call “90’s hot”. Short shorts, tiny dresses, sexy cheerleader uniforms, and let’s not forget the bikinis. It was hard not to resist the powers of Kelly. Hell, she wore mom jeans and was still chased by the two most eligible bachelors at Bayside. Zach and Slater fought to just get her to notice them. You can forget about nailing her, that pursuit may try and make your head explode. What makes her guilty of being a cocktease was her brief fling with Jeff, the owner of The Max. She flaunted her shit all over the place in a clear attempt to destroy Zach Morris’ soul. And in a way it worked. He tried to act as though it didn’t matter, but from that point on you knew that the only reason for Zach’s existence was to score Kelly Kapowski. You can assume that once they got married in the very last episode of Saved by the Bell: The College Years (yeah, this cockteasery bled into another series) that Zach finally got Kelly into the sack, but considering her wickedness, you can never be too sure.

How to Get Her in Bed: Beg? Hell, I don’t know. She’s too much.

1. Topanga Lawrence (Boy Meets World)

The Charges of Cockteasery: In all of my years, I’m hard pressed to find a more brutal example of cockteasing than this. What Topanga Lawrence did to poor Cory Matthews is on a whole new level. In the early years of the show, Cory was a normal kid. He was a smartass and lovable at the same time. Until he met Topanga. She was innocent enough at first, but slowly the poison injected into Mr. Matthews was running its course. Before anybody could realize what had happened, it was too late. Cory Matthews would now spend every ounce of energy and sanity on making Topanga his true love forever and ever. And to make matters worse, Topanga started blossoming in all the right places, making her more difficult to avoid. All Cory could ever talk about was Topanga, he was obsessed. His friends and family were dragged into the depths of lunacy with Cory’s relentless discussions of how he and Topanga were destined to be together forever and there wasn’t anything anybody could do to stop it. Adding to these irritating rants was Cory’s desire to even get to 2nd base with her! Yeah, he was head over heels with a girl who wouldn’t even let him see her massive cleavage. This girl was good. Over the seasons, the madness of Cory reached levels never seen on television. He had become a monster, a very annoying monster created by lack of sex and an overabundance of affection. It drove everybody in his life nuts. By the time Topanga and Cory got married, the damage was beyond repair. Even with feverish amounts of sex, Cory was now a full fledged basketcase. Topanga Lawrence had cockteased Cory Matthews into a complete mental breakdown. This case should be studied in psychology classes from now til the end of time.

How to Get Her in Bed: Simple… Devote every single moment of your life to her from the moment you know not to shit your pants while alienating your friends and family in your descent into a madness brought on by over 17 years of extreme sexual frustration. Enjoy your straightjacket.

~ by Brandon Gnuschke on May 27, 2011.

4 Responses to “The List: Top 5 Biggest Cockteases in Television History”

  1. ALL OF THESE ARE JUST TOO TRUE!!!……but I still love Winnie Cooper!!!

  2. Kelly, more than the others, seems to represent the delicately fragrant blossoming of the American high school cheerleader. In the realm of anatomy as anolgy, Ms. Kapowski was a small but very responsive clitoris with an attractive adoscent owner who likes to pull the hood when she masturbates.

  3. Kelly Kapowski was horny for Jeff Hunter and Professor Lasky. Watching those episodes, I knew that she would spread her legs and they would get to see her pussy and get to lick her clitoris. Lucky dogs!

  4. If i could have any experience, regardless off being impossible or illegal, I would chose to perform oral sex on Tiffani-Amber Thiessen aproximately 2 weeks after her 17th birthday. I would take some explicit photos of her wet and aroused little pussy. The shots of her clitoris would so beautiful.

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