Aloha kids, Nick the Mexican back and ready to rock with another installment of The List. They say the pen is mightier than the sword, well fuck that because the mightiest weapon is the thumb and the Fandom Menace has thumbs with bulging muscles and rock hard callouses that could take down any pen. Even those fancy pens at Staples that you get for graduation gifts that have their own case and are behind glass. We have grown up in the age of gaming. In my lifetime I’ve seen some every great gaming system. I’ve played Pong on an Atari 2600. I’ve saved Princess Zelda on the NES. I’ve collected every single Chaos Emerald from every Sonic the Hedgehog on the Genesis, found every door in Super Mario World for the SNES, and escaped Raccoon City in Resident Evil on the original Playstation. I and all of my fellow members of this blog have been a fan of gaming since the day we were old enough to hold a controller.
Part of this love of gaming is the fact that as a character in this game you can become someone else. You are the hero and you have the power, and more importantly you hold the weapons. A hero is only as strong as the weapon he wields and I have seen some great ones in my time. From Simons’ whip in Castlevania to the Energy Sword in the Halo series you live and die by these tools of destruction. In this list I had every member of the Fandom Menace give me their top weapons from a video game, and boiled it down to this Top 5. No system was barred, no weapon too small, or too big. So with that, here is the Fandom Menaces’ Top 5 Weapons in a Video Game.
THE SPREAD GUN
Contra is a game that everyone from our generation knows, or you should, and almost everyone born before 1990 knows the “Contra” or “Konami” code. So much of this game is burned in my memory and all the years I spent with my brother playing this game he’d take the high road and I’d take the low. This was one of the only games we played together a lot because of the co op gameplay, but more often than not he’d get mad and storm off because I just had to have that Spread Gun Power Up. Being the little brother he should have known that my quest for power and dominance was gonna take over and that I needed it.
The Spread Gun is lets face facts the best gun in the entire game, and maybe even the series. Team it up with the R power up and the “code” and you’re in it to win it. THUG LIFE
The Mega Buster owns. From the way back days of he NES, Mega Man is one of those staples of gaming. Mega Man 2 is a masterpiece. Great music, incredible stage design, and some of the coolest bosses with the best abilities. The beauty of the Mega Buster is not only is it a literal arm cannon, it’s an arm cannon that can take and use the bosses powers to defeat future bosses. Wood Man is a bastard in MM2 but he gets cut the fuck down by Metal Man’s blades real quick. Bomb Man all up in yo ass? End that cock stain Fire Man style and walk away with all his power, and that is the genius brutality of the Mega Buster.
"Come at me bro!"
It got even awesomer in Mega Man 4 when you were given the ability to charge up the buster for ultimate wreckage. Then when you thought this shit couldn’t get any realer, we get the X Buster which can be super charged to super damage that ass! Fuck!!!
"Getting Medieval Mega on that ass."
The BFG, or “Big Fucking Gun” or “fragging” is a beast of a weapon. Like many people my age, Doom was a staple of game play in the 90’s. Everyone I knew had played this game and knew all the codes, and all the secrets and shit like that, and even people who have no knowledge of video or pc games knows a thing or two about Doom, and the BFG is like Freebird to Lynard Skynard. Taking out any motherfucker in its path with it’s green plasma fire balls the BFG was featured in Doom and Doom 3 and is the most powerful weapon in the game and there should be little surprise this is on the list.
Remember kids it’s Big FUCKING Gun no matter what that shitty DOOM movie tells you.
We here at the Fandom Menace are huge Mario Kart fans and nothing brings us as much joy and terror as a Red Shell. Many times I’ve played Kart with Matt, Craig, and Braid and experienced the agony of being Red Shelled just as you are about to cross the finish line, and the ecstasy of pummeling the asshole just ahead of you. The thing about the Red Shell is its a sure shot. The Blue Shell may be a fuck you to the person in first place the Red Shell can be used and controlled to take out the driver in front of you as you are climbing your way up the ladder, and put an end to the other asshole following you by firing the shell behind you. Then to make things worse there’s a ? box that holds 3 of those bastards. One to take out each player you’re up against.
"Guess what guys you're fucked!"
“But then, when all hope had died, and the hour of doom seemed at hand… a young boy clothed in green appeared as if from nowhere. Wielding the Blade of Evil’s Bane, he sealed the dark one away and gave the land light.”
The Master Sword. Really what else could it have been. Legend of Zelda was one of those games that you felt cool for owning, felt like a boss for playing, and felt like a genius for beating. Everyone knows Mario sure, but Zelda was the fucking Ric Flair to Mario’s Hulk Hogan. Although the Master sword didn’t arrive until Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past, the Sword has become the most iconic weapon since the Lightsaber. Forged by the Sages and hidden in the Temple of Time, the Master Sword is resistant to magic, and can repel even the power of the Triforce. It has appeared in every game since Link to the Past, and the upcoming Skyward Sword is a story of the beginning of the blade, predating Link to the Past and Ocarina. A symbol of awesomeness to Zelda fans everywhere, and a powerful ally to a generation of gamers, and descendents of Link it is more than just a headache to Gannon/Gannondorf, it is the Greatest Weapon in Video Games.
"See what I did there?"