Transformers: Dark of the Moon …OR Why I Want Off This Planet.

Before I begin, I must offer a disclaimer for this review…

I HATE MICHAEL BAY. A LOT.

Good, now we can begin.

For those of you who don’t know, I have never appreciated anything in the Transformers franchise. I have made bold claims as to what I would rather witness than have to experience any of these cinematic abortions ever again. They are the lowest common form of comedy to the point of being insulting. They are racist. They are sexist. And they make money. That is the part I don’t understand. Actually, I do understand… but more importantly, I don’t want to understand. It’s quite simple; if something this awful is beloved by so many, than I have lost hope in everything good and right with this world.

Behold the yellow robot horse. The man who sat on him was Death. And Hell followed with him.

It’s hard to describe the reaction that I had when I saw that a third Transformers “film” was coming. I guess the closest comparison I could make would be that moment of Planet of the Apes when Taylor was being hosed down in the cage and he’s screaming and fighting for sanity in an insane world.

ROBOT BALLS!!!!

Needless to say, I wasn’t happy.Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen was one of the worst movies I have ever seen. So I had to cope with the fact that Transformers: Dark of the Moon was probably going to be better. To make sure though, I entered the theater armed with a notebook so I could take notes.

Page 1.

You would think that with all of the shit that director Michael Bay got concerning Revenge of the Fallen, he would address those issues, eliminate those issues, and give us a movie about TRANSFORMERS. But no, that isn’t what we get. We get a recycled version of the last two movies. 90 minutes of exposition and character development (I say “development” very, VERY loosely), and 45 minutes of an action set piece that wasn’t properly explained so therefore we don’t really care about. Rinse. Repeat. Twice. Collect millions.

We start off this movie just like the last two. Sam Witwicky (Shia Labeouf) is pouting about something. First it was the fact that he was an invisible loser that wanted to get laid. Then it was that he wanted to go to college and get away from the trouble that he got into in the first movie (that includes trying to banish Bumblebee, his own personal TALKING CAR THAT WILL DO ANYTHING FOR HIM). This time it’s the fact that he feels left out of the whole saving the world deal and wants to be important. This includes a good portion of the movie being devoted to him looking for a job or complaining that his girlfriend Carly (NOT Megan Fox) has an awesome job working with a vintage car collector (Dr. McDreamy).

This leads me to a theory I drunkenly stumbled into while daydreaming in the theater. I am wholeheartedly convinced that the majority of the script was left unchanged despite the fact that one of the franchises main characters (Fox) was being replaced by a completely different character (Not Fox). I mean, really pay attention to this mess. The way they met seemed thrown in at the last-minute, every conversation about Fox’s absence from the movie seems wedged in. The new girlfriend got a really nice job working in the automotive field (sound like the last girlfriend?). It’s really horrible writing, and yet another reason why this turd is so insulting to the audience paying to see it. You substitute one piece of ass for another, and viola! Your robot movie continues down the tracks without a hitch. After all, women are literally that expendable in Michael Bay’s world.

The robot portion of the film (Yeah, you already forgot robots were in this fucking movie, didn’t ya!?) centers around a secret that the United States government has been hiding from the Autobots since they joined forces to fight terrorism. Yeah, Autobots completely support Democracy and hate those Muslims too!

AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!

The secret? Oh nothing really. Just the fact that the whole Apollo space program that landed mankind on the surface of the moon was just an excuse to recover the giant fucking spaceship that had crashed on the dark side of the moon’s surface (Oh, I see what they did there!). What’s in the ship? Robot Leonard Nimoy, a.k.a Sentinel Prime, the original leader of the Autobots. He was blasted off of Cybertron during the robot war with the weapon that could win the war for the Autobots. Why didn’t they just use the weapon during the war? I don’t know, plot is unimportant. Mainly because every time we get glimpses of a Transformers movie that centers on TRANSFORMERS, we get pulled away again like a child in a grocery store trying to grab the box of Trix and instead having to settle for the Raisin Bran.

Page 2. Notice the collapse in coherent sentences and the messy handwriting.

In a nutshell, Sentinel Prime decides to turn to the dark side and join Megatron in enslaving the human race. But for some reason it’s okay when he gives his reasoning, because it’s all to save their home world. But, while giving his argument to a heartbroken Optimus Prime, Sentinel Prime (who is voiced by LEONARD FUCKING NIMOY) tells Optimus that “the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.”…He said the line. The fucking son of a…

Okay! Let me explain something to those of you who don’t know. Leonard Nimoy played the character of Spock on a little show called Star Trek, which spawned numerous films, spinoffs, and millions upon millions a shut-ins still living in their parents basements. During the final moments of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, Spock sacrifices himself to save the crew of the Enterprise. As he is dying, he tells his best friend Kirk that “the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.”. This is arguably the saddest moment in all of geekdom. And this asshole Michael Bay thinks that he is paying homage to this moment in his shitty Transformers movie?! No, you raped the line. Michael Bay raped Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.

The movie just gets less and less coherent from this point on. Decepticons invade Chicago, kill every human in the city (they show this too. You know… FOR KIDS!), and set up their new robot thingy that will beam Cybertron right next to Earth (we’ll just forget about the science of two giant planets right next to each other and how it’ll affect the orbits and ahh fuck it). The remainder of the film is this fight in the city between the Autobots and the Decepticons, just like every other movie.

Page 3. This stage is known as "Cuckoo Bananas"

I really don’t need to explain much else involving the plot, because there really isn’t much of it. So I’m just going to ask a question, a very simple question. Why are humans in these movies? You can answer if you would like, but I have my theories. To put it simply, the human characters in all three of these movies have done nothing but act as pointless, ridiculous, retardedly idiotic main plot threads in what is supposed to be a very simple story about robots kicking the shit out of each other. How difficult is that? They did it once in animated form with NO humans! And guess what? That’s what we all wanted to see get turned into a live action film. You don’t have to shoehorn human characters into the Transformers story if the Transformers themselves are written in a way that the audience can relate to them. It’s the same logic that convinced George Lucas to make Anakin Skywalker a child in the The Phantom Menace. He felt that kids would need a character to want to be. But since 1977, kids all over the world have imagined being Luke, or Han, or even Vader. Because those are the heroes, those are the characters that you strive to become when you reach adulthood.

And the same goes for the Transformers series. They bastardized a piece of our childhoods, and they didn’t have to. That is what makes me angry. There was a very obvious way to make these movies, and they instead chose to insult the audience. Kudos to you, Michael Bay, you managed to get millions of people to pay to see you insult their intelligence yet again. And you know something, everybody but me seems to have fallen for it this time.

I could go on for a lot longer about how this movie made me hate this planet just a little bit more than I already do, but I’ll try and refrain. Now if you’ll excuse me, I will be spending the afternoon with my head in an oven.

RATING: 2/10



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~ by Brandon Gnuschke on July 20, 2011.

5 Responses to “Transformers: Dark of the Moon …OR Why I Want Off This Planet.”

  1. The needs of the many!!! I WILL KILL THINGS!!!

  2. I didn’t even think about the Meagan Fox thing. I SURE you are right about that. Why would this character work at a car museum for no reason?

  3. Sentinal Prime said, “The needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the few.” If that were the case……THEN WOULDN’T THE NEEDS OF THE HUMANS COME BEFORE THE NEEDS OF THE CYBERTRONIANS??? THERE ARE LIKE 6 BILLION HUMANS!!! OH FUCK IT ALL!!!

  4. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU! I have finally found someone that hates this movie and the rest of them as much as I do! For the first two, okay I went because the husband grew up loving Transformers but this last time… oh boy! He had to drag me to see it. I got bored during first the ten minutes and was fighting the urge through the whole movie to take my cellphone now to play Angry Birds. If you’re going to make me sit through a three fucking hour movie please make sure it’s good enough so I don’t notice that I’m losing three hours of my life! Oh and Michael Bay, thank you for proving my point when I said this movie was going to be yet again sexist. The first thing I want to see is “perfect” legs, ass and hair! Fuck you!
    I too thought that the whole new girlfriend just didn’t fit and you have explained why! They just threw her in there. And that was the point of showing her with glasses at the white house and yet she never wore them again? And how the hell did she get access to the damn white house? WTF!!
    Just like you I walked out, no I ran out because I had to empty my bladder and then ranted about how there was nothing original about this movie. The fights were the same, it’s as those they paid a guy once to do all the work, fired his ass and then got someone cheaper to plug in the necessary robots which to me all look the same (other than Bumble Bee and Optimism Prime).
    By the way, humans are in this movie to kill them. Duh!
    Bravo!

  5. […] adore (which I won’t spoil as his segment is going to really kick some ass), but his hate for Transformers: Dark of the Moon took over to such a degree that I decided to jump in and hit you with one of my favorite movies […]

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