The Four Simple Rules For Going to a Movie

Who doesn’t love going to a movie theater? Any person living in modern society has been to a movie theater at some point in their life. It’s a place where laughs can turn to tears and dreams can become reality. We go the movies to escape from our boring, disappointing, and sometimes tragically awful excuse for what we call our lives. We go to experience tales of adventure, suspense, horror, and love all presented to us on the silver screen.

However, we do NOT go to movies to hear strangers give a play-by-play of the dinner they just had with a friend they went to high school with who got soooo fat! We do NOT go to movies to hear the awesome Lil’ Wayne ringtone that plays every time you get a text message. What I’m trying to say here is, we don’t go to movies for the human experience, we go to movies for the cinematic experience. A movie theater is a place you go to avoid the never-ending onslaught of retardation you experience courtesy of the people you laughingly refer to as the human race.

Unfortunately, it appears as though that there are far too many people out there who have never received the memo. They are irritating, they are moronic, and they are down right rude. This is why I have decided to take it upon myself to provide the public with a set of guidelines in hopes that some of these reoccurring problems can finally be stopped once and for all. Here are the four simple rules for going to a movie!

RULE 1: KNOW WHAT MOVIE YOU ARE GOING TO SEE

If you are a person with any iota of common sense, you may think that this idea is ridiculous. But you would be surprised at the number of people who really have no clue as to what movie they are about to watch. In this day in age, the ability to read reviews, watch trailers, and find showtimes can be as easy as pressing a few buttons on your phone. And if you don’t have a fancy smart phone that can do all that, there is a myriad of websites that offer these kinds of services (I mean really, look at the site you are on right now for crying out loud!)

Now why is this such a bother to moviegoers such as myself? It’s simple. If you know what you are getting yourself into, then you have no reason to complain about the movie you are paying to see. It’s mind-boggling to see a person go to a theater manager and demand to get their money back after they decided to take their small children (we’ll get to children later) to a rated R movie that has been advertised as a violent, blood soaked journey into hell. These people can be best described as idiots. Yeah, if you have ever done this, you are an idiot. You wouldn’t pay for a pair of pants if you didn’t know what they looked like or how they fit. You wouldn’t buy a car sight unseen. And you shouldn’t pay for a movie without knowing what kind of movie you are seeing. For those of you who don’t realize, going to a movie theater isn’t exactly cheap. Depending on the theater, you could be spending anywhere from $8-20 just for one ticket. The idea of doing some research before you pay to see a movie seems simple enough, but again, it apparently needs to be said. There are too many ways to avoid seeing a bad movie (unless you are a glutton for punishment like us). This leaves you with very little reason to demand a refund for seeing what you believe to be a bad movie. However, if the movie is ruined courtesy of problems that the theater caused (problems with the film stock, theater burns down, shit like that) then you have every reason in the world to ask for your money back. But you, Average Joe Moviegoer, must remember that the theater has nothing to do with the film they are showing. They didn’t film it, they didn’t produce it, they didn’t star in it. Therefore, it is not their fault for it not living up to your standards. If you want your money back, talk to M. Night Shyamalan.

Chances are it was his fault anyway.

RULE 2: THE THEATER (FOR THE MOST PART) SHOULD BE A CHILD-FREE ZONE

We get it, you love your kids. You think that they are just the bestest things in the whole universe. Well guess what? Nobody else in the whole universe agrees with you. Your children are almost as annoying as you are. I say almost because yes, they are crying and screaming and pooping and complaining while people are trying to enjoy a movie, but YOU brought them to the movie. I know I’m alienating a very particular group of people out there, but this is a truth that you must come to grips with. If your child is still grabbing on to your nipple, they don’t belong in a movie theater. Simple as that. This rule applies not only to theaters, but to amusement parks as well. Let’s face reality, Mom and Dad, your baby is never going to remember the time you took them to see Kung Fu Panda when they were 18 months old. I know you love to take millions upon millions of photographs of your stupid child sitting in the car seat with shit in their pants with a caption under it saying “MOVIE TIME OMGZ!!”, but all you’re doing is announcing to everybody that you have no regard for other people. You are inconsiderate jackoffs who need to learn how to hire a goddamn babysitter.

I hear she's good with kids...

Now, for children who actually have the ability to walk. I have a little bit more tolerance when it comes to these booger eaters. I understand the hell parents have to deal with when their spoiled brat sees a commercial for a movie on the television. They will yell and scream and bitch you out until you shove some skittles down their throat and sit their ass in a theater chair. But there are still rules that must be created for this situation. I have come up with two different choices to handling this situation:

Option 1: Children between the ages of 3-17 should not be allowed in a movie theater after 7pm. Yeah, I said 17. If the majority of 17-year-old kids are going to insist on acting like douchebags, then they shouldn’t be given privileges like going to the movies. After 7pm is adult time, and adults don’t want to have to deal with kids, especially the type that will someday be eligible for a Darwin Award.

Option 2: Movie theaters should segregate families and children 17 and younger to a different movie theater. For the number of theaters screening Toy Story 3, make one just for adults 18 and older. Kids and adults without kids would never have to run into each other again.

But until either of those things happen, keep your fucking kid away from me.

RULE 3: YOU PULL OUT YOU CELL PHONE, I PULL OUT MY FIST

As I stated previously, we live in a society that relies heavily on technology. It has become a necessity in our fast-paced world. We thrive on having the ability to talk, text, and surf the web right on our cell phone. But this doesn’t mean you should be allowed to use it anywhere you like. If it were up to me, cell phones would be banned from every movie theater in the country. You would have to surrender your phone to a theater employee prior to entering the theater. Holy dog shit! Surrender my phone for 90 minutes! Are you insane!? No, I’m not insane, but I will be if I have to deal with one more person who decides that inside a theater is the best time and place to call up their retarded friend and talk about the nasty skank they banged in the parking lot of Applebees a few nights ago.

"Hold on one second, I'm just waiting for the results of my Hepatitis test."

And the texting, my god the texting. You may think that you are being polite by refraining from making a phone call and instead texting your retarded friend about the Applebees parking lot skank, but you are being just as obnoxious. The sight of a cell phone illuminating 25% of the theater is enough to make me want to jam a plastic spork into your neck and watch you slowly bleed to death, Mr. Finger on the Pulse of Society.

"OMG! Twilight iZ off da chain! Team Edward 4 Lyfe! ;)"

Furthermore, I don’t understand why theaters don’t see cell phones as a bigger problem. Clearly they are distracting if one is used during a movie. But more importantly, most smartphones now have the ability to record a full length feature film with crystal clear imaging. And what has been the biggest killer of the movie business the last few years? No, it isn’t Happy Madison Productions.

But believe me, they're trying.

It’s piracy. The solution seems to be very easy to resolve. You don’t want to have assholes illegally recording movies? Prevent them from using their phones in a theater. You might be saying to yourself “But Brandon! What if there is an emergency?! I need to be with my phone at all times!”. A very logical statement, and I’ll give you a very logical response. Deal with it. In the long time ago, people managed to go outdoors and live their lives without cell phones, and somehow they managed to survive. And really, what are the chances that an emergency is going to happen in the brief couple of hours you spend at a movie theater? And IF an emergency does happen and you don’t have your phone on you, what were the chances that you were going to be able to do anything about it? Your inconsiderate ass was out enjoying your life when you should have been sitting at home waiting for a possible emergency to happen! Until the time comes where Big Brother makes you hand over your iPhone so you can’t have lightsaber fights at the movies, do us all a big favor and keep your stupid fucking phone in your stupid fucking pocket.

Rule 4: SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.

This may be the grand daddy of rip your hair out, gouge your eyeballs, kick a puppy level of enduced madness. Has our society really reached this level of rudeness, obnoxiousness and downright idiocy? I mean really, how much of an asshole must you possibly be to feel like you can talk openly and freely while sitting in a fucking movie theater!? I’m not even going to sugar coat this one, because if you are this person, then shame on you. It’s one thing to lean over to your friend and ask what is happening in the movie because you had to hit the shitter after finishing the extra large jalepeno nachos before the movie even began. It’s quite another to discuss who your favorite Gossip Girl character is for 45 minutes. Is this why other countries hate us? Is it because we blow our hard earned money on going to the movies only to use it as a location for discussing bullshit and nonsense? It’s like wiping your ass with one-hundred dollar bills. And to have the nerve to get mad when somebody tries to tell you to be quiet! Do you think that you were the only person who paid to see this movie? Is everybody else sitting around just here for shits and giggles? NO. They too, paid good money (remember, anywhere from $8-20 for ONE ticket) to be here. And they, unlike your disrespectful ass, actually want to watch the movie with no distractions coming from anywhere in the theater. This has become an epidemic that needs to be dealt with before somebody gets killed. Oh, I guess it already has happened.

When you decide to begin talking in a movie theater, just remember who is around you. More importantly, think about how you would feel if two dickheads struck up a conversation while you were trying to watch Keanu. If you want to talk, do it someplace else. The only three people allowed to talk during a movie are Mike Nelson, Tom Servo, and Crow T. Robot from Mystery Science Theater: 3000.

"Stay off our turf, motherfucker."

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~ by Brandon Gnuschke on September 5, 2011.

4 Responses to “The Four Simple Rules For Going to a Movie”

  1. I think we need to take pictures of anyone who breaks these rules and post them on the site. Like a running tally of people with no respect for others.

  2. It’s so simple! Why can’t all people be normal?

  3. I use to go watch a movie every week and now it’s maybe once a month. Why? Because people are dumbfucks and I can’t stand them! I’d rather wait until the movie comes out on Blue Ray and watch it on my awesome flat screen where I don’t have to deal with teenagers, babies or dumbfucks. I have to really want to see a movie to actually go when it’s released or the Husband really wants to see it. These rules are simple as can be but people suck and think they are the only ones that matter. UGH!

    Good post.

    Print it and put in it in the bathrooms for all to read! I would! 🙂

  4. […] rest of the people they share the world with.  Some of you may remember Brunden’s article The Four Simple Rules For Going to a Movie which was, by and large, inspired by these disrespectful teenagers.  A few weeks ago, we saw a […]

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