The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 Review

Just when I think that things couldn’t get any worse in the world of cinema… we have the fourth installment of what is laughingly referred to as “The Twilight SAGA”. Never in my deepest and darkest nightmares did I think that this series could get any worse than it has become with Breaking Dawn, Part 1. Yes, this tale is so grand and verbose that it could not be told in one film.

Much like my traumatizing experience with Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon, I walked into the theater equipped with a notebook that I felt I needed in order to fully capture the atrocities that were about to be inflicted upon me. All of it would be chronicled, all would be torn a new asshole.

However, I don’t believe that I could have been prepared for what I saw.

Now usually when I review a film, I try to keep the synopsis limited as to not ruin the plot of the film for anybody who has yet to see it. Fortunately, in this instance it is damn near impossible to spoil the plot considering that there is no plot to be found whatsoever. Now I’m sure you are saying to yourself “Now Brandon, surely after over 100 years of cinema filmmakers would know by now that some sort of story should be present and accounted for!” Yeah, in order to believe this statement you must also accept the fact that those responsible for this cinematic bowel movement would actually give some semblance of a shit.

"Look at all of these fucks I'm giving."- Stephanie Meyer

For the few of you out there lucky enough to be hidden under a rock, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (I can’t help but throw up in my mouth every time I say that title out loud) involves the greatly anticipated wedding of Edward Cullen (Robert Pattison) and Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart). Once wed, the two are whisked off to Rio where they (FINALLY) consummate. However, they find themselves in a very unorthodox situation when they discover that Bella is somehow pregnant. After they rush home, the Cullen’s must now deal with the fact that this sparkly half demon in her belly may kill her.

Aren't pregnant women beautiful!?

That’s it. That’s the movie. You think I’m kidding… Oh how I wish I was kidding. You may think that this is the plot that I said was completely non-existent. You poor, ignorant slut, you couldn’t be more wrong. Well then this movie is only what, like twenty minutes long? Wrong again, you naive bastard! Through what I can only assume was a pact with Satan himself, director Bill Condon (Dreamgirls) manages to stretch this nothing of a film into an agonizing, eye gouging, ball tearing 117 minutes. Two hours of staring at this vapid, pathetic excuse of a character slowly shrivel up and die due to her own reluctance to kill the devil spawn eating her from the inside. This is not a plot, this is merely things that are happening. That’s the only way to describe it. It is one of the worst examples of padding a film that I have ever seen in my life.

Did I mention that he rips his shirt off like 16 seconds into the film?

To it’s credit, the film does give us some “interesting” moments; all of which involve the werewolves. There is a “subplot” (can there be a subplot to a film that doesn’t have a plot?) involving Jacob (Taylor Lautner) vying for leadership of his jean short wearing clan. They manage to effectively establish a conflict between the different members of the group, they successfully show the tension and eventual climax, and there is a resolution to the situation. What is that resolution, you ask? Oh nothing really, just the utter definition of writing oneself into a literary corner. But we’ll get to that later.

AND NOW FOR THE Q & NO A SECTION!

There is simply too many questions and, quite frankly, NO answers for any of them (except for one… We’re getting there)

Why is it that Alice can see the future of everything except for moments that are important to the movie?

How is it that Carlisle, being a former member of the Vulturi who happen to have all knowledge to every aspect of vampirism (including vampire pregnancy), could have NO idea that Edward could successfully implant his sparkly seed into Bella’s moody vagina?

Why is it that the Volturi seem to have no knowledge of the fact that Edward has married the human girl they had such a problem with in the last film?

Why wouldn’t they have one of their subordinates go to Forks to spy on them immediately following the events of New Moon?

How many websites can one person google to find information regarding vampire/human pregnancy?

How is it that a vampire, a DEAD creature, has living semen inside of its balls that can effectively impregnate a female?

Following vampire lore (which the series clearly doesn’t do), vampires cease to age once they transform… so why does a vampire baby grow 20 times faster than a normal human and somehow knows to stop growing once they’ve hit a certain age?

Seriously… this is just the tip of the conundrum iceberg.

Now what is so mind numbingly god awful about this film is that there is no semblance of a villain or an overall conflict. Anybody familiar with this “saga” knows that there is the Volturi, the evil elders of the vampire world who clearly have a problem with the human who is aware of the existence of vampires. You would think that they would have an integral part in this movie; plotting and scheming and overacting. But the only time we see them is in a sequence in the goddamn credits! Really? I can’t… moving on.

Before I lose all forms of sanity and proceed to vomit my soul, I shall tackle the two worst elements of this “story”.

1. THE BIRTH

I’ll be honest, I was actually looking forward to seeing this event happen on the big screen. I knew beforehand exactly what was to transpire, and I could not believe that there was any way that this could be put into a movie for young people. Let me tell you, I have seen some horrific scenes on film, and the birth sequence in Breaking Dawn is fucking disgusting and unnecessarily graphic. I can’t say much about it other than it made me feel uneasy. And the fact that parents are taking their children to this movie makes me hate humanity just a little bit more than I already did.

2. IMPRINTING

Have you ever watched somebody drown and in the process wildly flail their arms in an attempt to save themself? You probably haven’t, but the werewolf concept of “imprinting” is the literary equivalent. Once finished with “New Moon”, you are left with a very clear realization: Bella should be with Jacob, not Edward. The problem is that you can tell that this was never Stephanie Meyer’s intent. She wants the empty shell of a character to be with the beautiful, rich vampire, not the smelly, poor wolf. But she accidentally wrote a halfway decent character. Talk about being stuck between a sparkly rock and some hard pecs! So what happens is Ms. Meyer’s ingenious attempt to write herself out of a corner. Imprinting is a werewolf practice in which a wolf becomes genetically attached to another person for the rest of their life. It’s basically genetic soul mates. So to write off the fact that Jacob is the right one for Bella, Stephanie Meyer makes the wolf boy imprint on the fucking demon baby. JACOB IS IN LOVE WITH A FUCKING BABY. So this is the story that everybody loves? Necrophilia, bestiality AND pedophilia. Bravo, Twilight fans, you sure know how to pick your saga’s to follow. You fucking ‘tards.

You are fired from breathing.

I may come under attack by the fans of the literary interpretation of The Twilight “Saga” who will say that I just don’t understand what is going on because I haven’t read the books. I’m sorry, but that is absolutely NO excuse for what the movie is. Yes, the majority of people who are going to see this movie have in fact read the books. And yes, the movies cater more to those people rather than those who haven’t read the books. But any good filmmaker knows that in order to appease ignorant audiences you must go out of your way to help explain the actions of the characters. I shouldn’t have to read a fucking sentence before going to see a movie. Go look at the Lord of the Rings trilogy, THAT is how you tell a story to somebody who has never read the books that the films are based on.

Oh, and in between 12+ hours of epic storytelling, they still managed to squeeze in a love story complete with a reason as to why they love each other! And nobody took their shirt off! WHAT!?

I understand the intent of splitting Breaking Dawn into two parts. Harry Potter did it; and for the most part, it works. It drags at some points, but it was otherwise very effective. This, however, is a pathetic and downright insulting way of robbing people of their hard-earned dollars by making them have to attend this movie twice. Especially when you take into account that the events of Part 1 could have easily been squeezed into about 30-45 minutes as to make what would be a three-hour long Breaking Dawn film. That I would have been fine with, considering that the events of Part 2 is when the actual plot apparently comes in.

This movie is one of the most insulting pieces of shit I have ever had the disservice of seeing. This entire saga is the lowest common denominator of harlequin romance and it is astonishing that it has, dare I say, “imprinted” on the hearts of millions. Everybody involved in the creation of this turd should really feel ashamed for ripping off not only average Joe’s such as myself, but also the fans of these books. In a year in which we have seen abominations such as Bucky Larson, Jack and Jill, The Zookeeper, Country Strong, The Roomate, and the previously mentioned Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 is by far the worst. I know that the second installment of Breaking Dawn will be terrible, but I sincerely doubt that it will be worse than this. Now if you’ll excuse me, my head is now ready to explode.

RATING: 0/10

P.S. We also see Bella drink blood out of a Styrofoam cup with a plastic straw. Just thought I should mention that.

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~ by Brandon Gnuschke on December 7, 2011.

2 Responses to “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 Review”

  1. Excellent review!!! Truer words have never been spoken!!!

  2. Two things. 1) I’m kind of shocked and appalled that you never mention the fact that Kristen Stewart looks (rather offensively, I think) like an Auschwitz prisoner, and B) in response to your question in subheading 2, Phil Collins has. Or at least he’s watched a guy watch a guy drown.

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