Off the Top Rope: WWE RAW Recap 6/25/2012

It’s business as usual in the WWE, as another episode of “Monday Night Raw” is in the books. What happened tonight? Was it even interesting at all? Will a certain trainwreck be live tweeting during RAW’s 1,000th episode in a few weeks? Let’s recap a little, shall we?

So it appears as though we are now back to playing “GM Roulette” as this weeks decider is none other than Vickie Guerrero. She announces that the show will be kicked off by having a… WAIT FOR IT!… A Triple Threat Elimination Match between… WAIT FOR IT!!!… Daniel Bryan, CM Punk, and Kane! Wow! And I wonder if AJ is going to come out and confuse all three of them and turn the match into a clusterfuck?

SPOILER ALERT: She did. And it was.

TRIPLE THREAT ELIMINATION MATCH: CM PUNK VS. DANIEL BRYAN VS. KANE

AJ distracts Kane. Punk puts Kane to sleep. Bryan kicks Punk in the head and steals the win. Yep, we still have no idea what AJ’s endgame is, but her reign of terror on last night’s show was far from over. WINNER: DANIEL BRYAN

BIG SHOW VS. BRODUS CLAY

I couldn’t really care less about this feud. Clay keeps standing up to Show in the name of Funk or something and Big Show knocks beats the crap out of him mercilessly. It’s happened at least two times before and we all know that Show won’t be facing Clay at the ‘Money in the Bank’ PPV because he is going to be in the Money in the Bank match (more on that nonsense later), so unless they are setting up a feud between the two big men to take place after Show inevitably loses at Money in the Bank, I just find this to be a time waster. WINNER: BIG SHOW

UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: SANTINO MARELLA VS. JACK SWAGGER

After begging Vickie Guerrero on his hands and knees, Swagger is granted a chance to reclaim the United States Championship from the very man who took it from him. This match was over quickly, neither Marella nor Swagger showed anything worth writing home about, and the match was over as quickly as it began. Don’t get me wrong, I do like both of these guys for what they are. But a silly character like Marella being a champion is a joke to whatever belt has around his waist at any given time (because it seriously seems like he always has a belt), and Swagger has been underused for so long that you forget that he once held the World Heavyweight Championship. Whatever, COBRA! WINNER: SANTINO MARELLA

JOHN CENA HAS A GROUNDBREAKING ANNOUNCEMENT, CHRIS JERICHO RETURNS, AND THE STUPIDEST THING EVER HAPPENS…

After a long monologue comparing the feud between himself and John Lauanitis to the plot of “Star Wars”, John Cena decides to make a very historic announcement. However, Cena is cut off by the return of one Chris Jericho, who seems to be fed up with Cena (who isn’t these days?). As the two exchanged words, Cena’s announcement was finally made: That he will be entering himself into the Money in the Bank match. He proclaims that he intentions are noble, proclaiming that he primarily wants to prevent Big Show from winning and eventually becoming champion. Jericho, not impressed in the least, declares that he too will be entering into the MITB match. They are both interrupted by Vickie Guerrero, who reminds both of them that they simply can’t place themselves into a match so big. However, a meeting with the WWE Board of Directors concluded that there shall be a twist on this year Money in the Bank match. That twist? ONLY FORMER CHAMPIONS CAN COMPETE.

So basically, the only guys who are going to be involved in this match will be Big Show, Kane, Jericho, and Cena. You know, I’d be fine if they put these four against one another in any other circumstance. But Money in the Bank isn’t a match designed for these guys. It was designed so that up and comers could be given that push that they so richly needed/deserved. It was tainted enough by having Show involved, but Cena?! Really? The last thing that man needs is a guaranteed title shot opportunity. He can literally have one of those any time he wants. I find this years twist to be insulting to the fans, and more importantly, to every WWE superstar who is being undercut yet again in a match that was designed for them. Shame on you WWE, you dun goofed with this one.

HEY KIDS! IT’S HEATH SLATER TIME!

So, here we are again, watching Heath Slater go on about whatever old school wrestler’s catchphrase is going to signal the return of said old school wrestler, when he proclaims “I rule the world!” Uh oh…

SYCHO SID VS. HEATH SLATER

I do enjoy watching these “Blast from the Past” matches, and Slater has been great as the jobber to all of these legends. Sid was his usual self, eventually ending Slater with a powerbomb. It was a nice little squash match, but the whole time I kept thinking to myself, “Didn’t Sycho Sid and Arn Anderson have an off camera stabbing incident? I wonder if it was awkward having both of them be backstage together…” WINNER: SYCHO SID

CONTRACT MATCH: DOLPH ZIGGLER VS. ALBERTO DEL RIO

After bickering with one another over who should be the number one contender for the World Heavyweight Championship, it is decided by GM Vickie Guerrero that they will participate in a contract match, wherein a contract for the title match against Sheamus will sit atop a long metal rod placed in a corner of the ring. Whoever gets to it first, gets the shot at the belt. Del Rio and Ziggler are two of the best showmen in the business, so naturally it was hilarious to see the two of them claw and climb to grab the contract. Just when things couldn’t get any better, Sheamus decides to put them out of their misery and announce that the title match at Money in the Bank will now be between the three of them. I couldn’t be happier with this decision. It’s going to be a great match to say the least. WINNER: NO DECISION

And then somebody thought it would be a good idea to put this man in charge of live tweeting during RAW’s 1000th episode. Uh…

DIVAS SUMMERTIME BEACH BATTLE ROYAL

Time for a quick Q&A!

QUESTION: Did this match mean anything?

ANSWER: No.

QUESTION: Was this match just an excuse to see the Divas in bathing suits?

ANSWER: Yes.

QUESTION: Is it ridiculous that the WWE tries to act like they no longer degrade women by eliminating “Bra and Panties” matches, but turn around and do something as dumb and sexist as this but say that it’s okay because they are in bathing suits and not their unmentionables?

ANSWER: Very ridiculous.

QUESTION: Has this Q&A gone on longer than the actual Divas Summertime Beach Battle Royal?

ANSWER: Let’s move on. WINNER: AJ (Because she is the only Diva that has any kind of story at the moment)

JOHN CENA VS. CHRIS JERICHO

In what I’m sure was another attempt to assure us that he is the face of the company, John Cena closed out the show in a match with Chris Jericho. It was a paint-by-numbers match, both of them doing what they do best. As Jericho had Cena locked in the Walls of Jericho, none other than Big Show decided to come in and mess up Cena yet again. Jericho, not wanting any part of Captain Insano and his lack of mercy, exited the ring. The show concluded with “The World’s Largest Athelete” brutally assaulting Cena, ending on a Colossal Clutch that apparently made Cena pass out or something. WINNER: JOHN CENA (VIA DISQUALIFICATION)

So there you have it! Not their best episode in recent memory, but I feel as though they’re keeping it low key until they blow the roof off with what will most likely be a star studded 1000th episode on July 23rd. But until that time comes, we will just have to be patient and hope that business will start to pick up. Check in next Tuesday for another recap of “Monday Night Raw’. Until then, this is Brandon from “Off the Top Rope”, tapping out for now!

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~ by Brandon Gnuschke on June 26, 2012.

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