Off the Top Rope: WWE RAW Results 7/9/12

With only five days left until the “Money in the Bank” PPV, business is picking up in the WWE. Unfortunately, that business was a whole lot of the same business that we’ve been seeing in recent weeks. More “surprising” twists and turns, and another legend returned! So what happened this week? Let’s dive right in!

CRAZY PROPOSALS AND A MYSTERIOUS CHARACTER RESURFACES

The show kicks off with the WWE’s resident crazy chick AJ coming down to the ring and proclaiming that being the catalyst of this feud between CM Punk and Daniel Bryan has been emotionally draining. She asks Punk to join her in the ring, and proceeds to drop to one knee and propose to the champ. Naturally, Punk is flabbergasted by this, looking as though he has found himself standing in the path of a crazy train, unable to escape. Luckily for Punk, Daniel Bryan comes running down the ramp shouting “NO! NO! NO!” Bryan attempts to sway AJ’s option by stating that Punk is only in this for himself, and Bryan is the one who truly loves her. Then Bryan drops to one knee and proposes to AJ! Punk intervenes by stating that Bryan is only proposing because he wants AJ to favor him in their match at Money in the Bank. And just as this moment couldn’t get any more bizarre…

That’s right! We have just received an email from long forgotten Anonymous RAW General Manager! The mystery GM announces that there will be a mixed tag team match later tonight between Punk/AJ and Bryan/Eve. How on Earth after all this time can the Anonymous RAW General Manager just start sending emails again? The answer to that may shock you. But more on that later.

SHEAMUS VS. JACK SWAGGER

Poor Jack Swagger has now been reduced to jobber status as he lost to the Celtic Warrior in a match that couldn’t of been longer than 90 seconds. This match only existed so that we could have a moment between the World Heavyweight Champion and number one contender Alberto Del Rio. The Mexican Aristocrat appeared on the titan tron and made more declarations that he will be walking out of MitB as the new champion. He then sped off in his red Ferrari with sidekick Ricardo Rodriguez sitting bitch. An infuriated Sheamus delivered another Brogue Kick to the poor American American and walked away fuming. Remember when Jack Swagger was the World Heavyweight Champion? Oh, how the mighty have fallen. WINNER: SHEAMUS

SHERLOCK SANTINO SETS OUT TO DISCOVER THE IDENTITY OF THE ANONYMOUS RAW GM

Keep in mind, he’s the fucking United States Champion.

So, given that the Anonymous RAW GM has made his return to the WWE, it becomes Santino Marella’s mission to discover who the man behind the emails truly is. He dons a Sherlock Holmes costumes and sets out looking for clues. This might of been funny had R-Truth not used the Sherlock Holmes gimmick earlier this year to help Teddy Long find a new job. Yeah, this is pretty stupid to say the least. But this mystery is only going to get even more stupid as it develops.

CHRISTIAN/TYSON KIDD VS. TENSAI/DOLPH ZIGGER

I would say that this match was pointless and mediocre if I could even remember what happened in it. It was just a way to buildup up four of the competitors in the Smackdown MitB. Tensai apparently pinned Tyson Kidd and nobody seemed to really care. However, I might of cared if Damien Sandow was involved. WINNERS: TENSAI/ZIGGLER

BRODUS CLAY VS. DREW MCINTYRE

Yet another pointless match, this time involving the Funkasauras Brodus Clay and Drew McIntyre (speaking of “How the mighty have fallen”) Brodus decimated the Scot in no time at all, and celebrated as is customary with his Funkadactyls and his Funkateers. Yes, these are all real things in the WWE Universe. Moving on. WINNER: BRODUS CLAY

JERICHO/BIG SHOW VS. CENA/KANE

Remember last week when I said that Cena and Jericho being involved in the Bryan/Punk match was pointless? And if they were going to be involved in a tag match then it should be with their fellow competitors at Money in the Bank? Well somebody decided to listen to me and gave me the match that was supposed to be less pointless. But it somehow managed to be more pointless. Much like many other four-way matches leading up to a pay per view, this match turned into chaos, for some reason being stopped due to Big Show interfering when he wasn’t the legal man in the ring (Wait, a tag partner getting involved when he isn’t the legal man in the ring!? That’s NEVER happened before) After the match was deemed a no decision, John Cena, proceeded to beat people up with a ladder, resulting in him standing in the ring looking like a roman gladiator… holding a ladder. Yeah, can anyone guess who is going to grab that briefcase on Sunday? WINNERS: NO DECISION

HEY KIDS! IT’S HEATH SLATER TIME!!

So here we are watching yet another Money in the Bank qualifying match (At this point it seems like the entire Smackdown roster has qualified for MitB), this time involving Sin Cara and Heath “A.C” Slater. Yeah, so it was Botchamania as usual for the masked man, somehow picking up the win. Have fun not winning Money in the Bank Sin Cara!

More importantly, a very defeated Heath Slater is left in the ring looking to fight some more. He challenges ANY former champion to face him in the ring. Let’s spin the Wheel of Legends and see who we come up with…

HOLY SHIT! IT’S BOB BACKLUND!!

I kid you not, Bob Backlund! If you don’t know who Bob Backlund is, then you need to stop reading this now and go do your homework, because this man is truly a legend! Mr. Backlund, always the showman, came out and ran circles around the One Man Southern Rock Band, leaving him bewildered in the center of the ring. Just when his guard was down, Backlund struck with his patented Crossface Chickenwing maneuver, forcing Slater to tap almost immediately. I almost shed a tear watching Mr. Backlund in the ring again. Hell, HE should be in Money in the Bank! One more run! One more run!

JERRY “THE KING” LAWLER EMBARRASSES MICHAEL COLE AND THE ANONYMOUS RAW GM IS FINALLY UNMASKED

Earlier in the night, we saw a forced fight between commentators Micheal Cole and Jerry Lawler, resulting in Cole throwing water all of the King. The Anonymous RAW General Manager declared that a rematch from Wrestlemania would go down between the two men. The match was a complete waste of time, ending with Lawler spinning Cole around on his shoulders and making him dizzy. Quick pin, match over. That is when Sherlock Santino decides to come down to the ring and announced that the only place that the Anonymous General Manager could be hiding is… UNDER THE RING! Marella went under the tarp and dragged out none other than Hornswaggle holding a fucking laptop. That’s right, the Anonymous RAW General Manager, who at one point controlled the fates of every WWE Superstar on Monday nights, was Hornswaggle. Yep, case closed. I’m willing to be that this revelation was nothing more than Vince McMahon being fed up with all of the criticism from fans that the identity of the mysterious GM was never revealed. Now that it has been revealed, I wish that it had stayed a mystery. Such a slap in the face to the fans in my opinion. I guess the little guy has some apologizing to do to Edge for breaking his brain last year…

CM PUNK/AJ VS. DANIEL BRYAN/EVE

How do you make a match between two of the best wrestlers in the company look bad. Simple: you throw two divas into the mix. That’s right, the match mostly consisted of AJ and Eve botching moves left and right. AJ managed to secure the win for herself and Punk after Bryan refused to let Eve tag him in. As AJ and the Straightedge Superstar celebrated, Bryan declared that his refusal to get tagged by Eve was a declaration of love, and that proved that his marriage proposal earlier was sincere. Punk, putting his championship run in jeopardy, announced that he refused to lie to AJ just so he could win at Money in the Bank. With that, Punk flat out denied her marriage proposal, resulting in the crazy lady smacking him right upside his face. Bryan, pleased by this move, opened his arms to AJ and told her to “Come home.” AJ rushed over to Bryan, and slapped him as well. The two superstars were left befuddled in the ring as AJ skipped back up the ramp chanting “YES! YES! YES!” once again. WINNERS: AK/CM PUNK

For the first time in a long time, I really don’t know what the end result will be for these three. AJ, love her or hate her, has made the outcome of this Sunday’s Money in the Bank title match truly unpredictable. Hopefully this match, as well as the other matches on the card, are much better than I am perceiving them to be at this time. We will only know for sure after the dust has settled. Next Monday will be the aftermath of Money in the Bank, where new twists and turns will most certainly develop. And as usual, Off the Top Rope will recap it all! This is Brandon, tapping out for now!

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~ by Brandon Gnuschke on July 10, 2012.

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