Off the Top Rope: RAW Results 8/6/12

The stars were certainly big and bright in the heart of Texas last night, as WWE Monday Night RAW was live in San Antonio. With the Summerslam picture coming closer into view, what did the WWE have in store for us this week? Let’s find out!

After a rather surprising introduction to the position of General Manager, AJ Lee came out to the ring to announce what she proclaimed to be a stellar lineup for the night. Before she could get too far into the card, however, the GM was interrupted by WWE Champion CM Punk. The Straight Edge Savior initially appeared to be rather apologetic towards Lee, stating that he was out of line. He then changed course and called her decision to place him in a triple threat match against John Cena and Big Show at Summerslam a major blunder. He demanded to change her decision, which she quickly neglected. Punk fired at Lee, claiming that her decision was solely due to the fact that he rejected her marriage proposal a few weeks ago. The argument was interrupted by Mr. “Hustle, Loyalty, Respect” himself, who then accused Punk of turning into one of those sore losers who stomps around demanding respect. Cena and Punk exchanged insults for awhile until (SURPRISINGLY) the Big Show arrived with the apparent intention to beat both of them up. Before things could get out of hand, AJ Lee interjected by saying that she will not let things get out of hand on her show. She tells Cena and Show that they will have matches later in the night, which causes Punk to shout at Lee for not putting the champion in a match. The GM then tells Punk that he has a match, but she isn’t sure who it’ll be, because Punk’s opponent will be decided by the WWE Universe.

CM PUNK VS. REY MYSTERIO

After a close vote, it is decided by the fans that Punk will take on the newly returned masked man Rey Mysterio. Before I discuss the match, I must say something about Mr. Mysterio. What is with the shirts? Is Rey really that out of shape that he needs to compete wearing these sleeveless shirts? It’s rather odd considering we haven’t seen Mysterio look like that. Anyway, the match itself wasn’t a bad way to kick things off. Despite being more out of shape than ever, Mysterio hasn’t looked too bad since his return last month. The two seemed pretty evenly matched for the majority of the bout, momentum swinging both ways often. Mysterio managed to counter Punk’s GTS into a setup for the 619 which connected. Mysterio then climbed up the rope to dive on to the laid out champion, but Punk managed to get his knees up and plow them right into Mysterio’s torso. Punk then successfully hit the GTS to secure the win. WINNER: CM PUNK

Backstage, Alberto Del Rio arrived in the parking garage driving a pristine looking Ferrari. This will be important for later.

After the break, we see a promo for what looks like the long awaited return of former Nexus leader Wade Barrett. More as the story develops…

Del Rio decided to confront GM AJ about his desire to no longer compete in matches until Summerslam. She tells him that he isn’t even scheduled for a match tonight, which causes Del Rio to tell sidekick Roberto Rodriguez something to the effect of “I knew she wasn’t crazy”. Upon hearing that Del Rio insinuated that she might be mentally unstable, she immediately changed her mind and places The Mexican Aristocrat in a match.

ALBERTO DEL RIO VS. CHRISTIAN

Del Rio reluctantly comes down to the ring to face the former IC champion, looking very angered by the fact that he has once again been placed in a match. He lets his rage out on Captain Charisma, pummeling him from the start. Christian tried to turn the tide, but the combination of Del Rio and a sly distraction by Ricardo Rodriguez proved to be too much for him, falling victim to the cross arm breaker. WINNER: ALBERTO DEL RIO

Del Rio’s celebration was short lived, however, as World Heavyweight Champion Sheamus showed up on the titan-tron. Sheamus tells Del Rio that he has given Del Rio’s words some thought, and he agrees that he may be beneath the Aristocrat. He decides to remedy this by upgrading his mode of transportation. He is then revealed to be standing next to Del Rio’s Ferrari (told you that information would be important later!). He then tells Rodriguez that he really shouldn’t leave the keys in the car. Sheamus decides to take Del Rio’s car on a sight seeing trip around San Antonio and speeds out of the arena.

RANDY ORTON VS. BIG SHOW

The Viper takes on his biggest opponent (literally) since his return to action several weeks ago. Considering that both of these guys are notorious for phoning-in their matches, you can only imagine how predictable and boring this match was. Show repeatedly beat Orton down and taunting him while he was down. Orton tried to fight back, but was almost immediately put into a choke hold. After being thrown into the corner, Orton countered Show’s charge with two boots. Orton then managed to dropkick the big man and finally get him down. Orton “went to that place”, setting up for the RKO, but was countered with a chokeslam by Show. Orton kicked out, but was forced out of the ring. The two fought on the outside for a moment before Show threw the Viper back in. Orton tried to counter again, but Show responded by throwing him back out of the ring. Orton managed to put Show’s skull into the steel pole. Show responded by spearing Orton, taking both of them out. They stayed out of the ring for too long, as they were both counted out. After the match, Show wasn’t done with Orton, setting him up for a WMD. Orton ducked the right hook and laid Show out with an RKO. WINNER: NONE (Double Count Out)

TYLER REKS/CURT HAWKINS VS. RYBACK

Well here we go again. At least we are seeing actual WWE superstars face him. I wonder, given all the commotion with the tag team division as of late (I know, I’m shocked by that as well), you’d think that Reks and Hawkins, one of the longest running tag teams in the company currently, would be involved. But no, their attention has been on the “Sin City Cyborg” and trying to put an end to his reign of terror. Did they accomplish their goal? Not even close. WINNER: RYBACK

EPICO & PRIMO VS. PRIME TIME PLAYERS

So on to the apparently important tag teams in the company. PTP manager AW was up to his normal antics (Kobe Bryant references non-existent), running his mouth via microphone during the match. Young and O’Neil dominated the first half of this match, keeping Primo from his cousin. After a long stretch, Epico finally got into the mix and cleaned house, causing AW to pull his clients from the match. As the three walked up the ramp, their path was blocked by none other than the tag team champions Kofi Kingston and R-Truth (featuring Little Jimmy). This distraction was enough for Epico and Primo to get the upper hand on the Prime Time Players and seal the win. WINNERS: EPICO & PRIMO

Backstage, Damien “The Martyr” Sandow tells the WWE Universe that he intends to rid the WWE of any foolishness, such as dancing. Therefore, he will continue his onslaught against Brodus Clay in the ring.

BRODUS CLAY VS. DAMIEN SANDOW

Sandow wasted no time in delivering on his promise, attacking Clay before he could even dance his way into the ring. Sandow focused on The Funkasaurus’ knee, putting it into several holds. Well, when I wondered last week as to who Sandow was going to be put into a feud with, I didn’t think that they would keep him involved with Clay. Oh well, at least Sandow is being used. WINNER: NO CONTEST

In AJ’s office, the GM is confronted by ex-fiancee Daniel Bryan. The Yes Man demanded that Lee make the main event for the WWE Championship at Summerslam a Fatal Four Way Match and include him. She responded by telling Bryan that he was already involved in a match at Summerslam, against Kane. Bryan yelled “No!”, AJ yelled “Yes!”. Rinse. Repeat. It was very funny.

KELLY KELLY VS. EVE TORRES

After a Tout from Eve criticizing AJ’s abilities as a General Manager, she was placed in this match against the fresh and well rested Kelly Kelly. To be honest, I’m shocked that this match lasted longer than thirty-eight seconds. Hell, I’m shocked that there was a Diva’s match at all considering that they let entire episodes go by without one (They are THAT inconsequential). But Kelly Kelly back in action was able to take out Torres. I would focus on highlights from the match, but there weren’t any. WINNER: KELLY KELLY

SHAWN MICHAELS RETURNS TO SUPPORT THE GAME

Since Monday Night RAW happened to be in town, The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels decided to make his second appearance on the show in just three weeks. After going on about being out of shape like he seems to enjoy doing, Michaels thanked the WWE and talked about how amazing his reunion with DX was at RAW 1000. Michaels goes on the say that all the talk in the locker room is about the Triple H/Brock Lesnar match at Summerslam. HBK was cut off by none other than Lesnar, followed close behind by Paul Heyman. Luckily, before Lesnar could break Michaels in half, Heyman began to talk, telling Michaels that everybody should be interested in Michaels’ opinion as to who will win at Summerslam. However, Heyman goes on to tell Michaels that his opinion is not needed for this match since Lesnar will not be “Entertaining” (Ouch), but rather to fight The Game in Los Angeles. Michaels tells Heyman/Lesnar that the Triple H he has seen in the last few weeks is a crazed man out to destroy Lesnar. He furthers that statement by saying that not only is he backing his friend at Summerslam, but he will be in Triple H’s corner for his match against Lesnar. Lesnar chimes in by saying that the only reason HBK can say that Triple H will win is because he has never faced him in the ring. Before things could get really ugly, The Cerebral Assassin came to back up his DX brother. The three men stood off in the ring, forcing a laugh from Lesnar. Before he exited the ring, Lesnar tells Triple H that he will see him at Summerslam, and that he will see HBK sooner than that. One can only speculate as to what that means, but many feel as though it can’t be good. My instincts tells me that we may see Michaels betray his long time friend and set up a major match at next years Wrestlemania. But I could be wrong.

Michael Cole updates the situation involving Sheamus’ joyride with Del Rio’s Ferrari. Since he stole the ride earlier in the show, Sheamus has made his way over to San Antonio’s famous Alamo, where he delivers a Tout.

Stop trying to make Tout happen. It’s never going to happen.

DOLPH ZIGGLER VS. ALEX RILEY

Confused? So am I. Chris Jericho joined Cole and Lawler on commentary for this match against Mr. Money in the Bank and… Alex Riley. Don’t worry, I think they’re going somewhere with this. Jericho, sporting a Ziggler shirt, ran his mouth the entire match, making fun of every aspect of Ziggler’s persona. With Ziggler dominating A-Ry in the ring, Jericho decided to take matters into his own hands by… sigh… Touting. He begins to film the match on his phone, rooting Ziggler on. This doesn’t please Ziggler, leaving him vulnerable for Riley to steal his first win on RAW in almost a year. The feud between Ziggler and Y2J is heating up. Now back to obscurity, Alex Riley. WINNER: ALEX RILEY

KANE VS. THE MIZ

Being the two opponents who weren’t chosen to face CM Punk earlier, The Miz and Kane were placed in a match against one another. The Intercontinental Champion started the match off by focusing on chopping The Big Red Monster down, focusing on his left leg. Kane fought out of Miz’s attack, however, and was able to knock off the awesome one with the chokeslam. A valiant effort from The Miz, but it just wasn’t enough. Which makes me upset, because it seems like WWE makes it okay for the Intercontinental Champion to constantly lose. We saw it all the time when Cody Rhodes held the belt. That title is considered to be the wrestler’s belt, so give the man it’s strapped to a chance to win a few. WINNER: KANE

After the break, we see that Sheamus has returned Del Rio’s car to the arena, and not exactly in the same condition as when he took it. The Ferrari is smoking, covered in mud, and apparently the smell of Sheamus’ Mexican food farts. As one can assume, Del Rio isn’t to thrilled about the situation, storming off to find Sheamus and leaving Rodriguez to clean up the mess that the World Heavyweight Champion had left behind.

DANIEL BRYAN VS. JOHN CENA

After being tormented by the barrage of “Yes!” chants from the crowd, Daniel Bryan was already mentally destroyed before Cena even entered the ring. Bryan was more consumed with the crowd than with his opponent, exiting the ring to shout “No!” at the WWE Universe. Cena capitalized on this by taking Bryan out as soon as he re-entered the ring. The crowd, despite taunting Bryan, was considerably in his favor, as we heard the “Cena Sucks!” chants louder than the “Let’s go Cena!” chants. I’m assuming that this is because Texas, particularly San Antonio, is wrestling territory, not “Sports Entertainment” territory. Bryan managed to channel his anger and turn the match in his favor. After a myriad of torturous holds, Cena managed to “Hulk Out”, and set up for the Five Knuckle Shuffle, which connected. Cena went one step too far when he went for the A.A, which Bryan countered into a powerful bear hug submission maneuver. After weakening the former WWE Champ, Bryan drilled a kick to the head. This still wasn’t enough to beat Cena, as Bryan only got a two-count. Bryan then connected with a head butt off the top rope, which STILL didn’t keep Cena down. Bryan, frustrated, began kicking Cena repeatedly. Cena countered Bryan by locking in the STF. Bryan countered the STF with the newly re-named “NO Lock”. Cena managed to wiggle out of it and hit Bryan with the Attitude Adjustment and getting the 1-2-3. WINNER: JOHN CENA

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!

CM Punk made his presence known right after Cena’s victory, coming down the ramp to deliver a threat to Cena. This was followed by their opponent at Summerslam storming down to the ring to cause havoc. Cena managed to get Show prepped for an A.A, but Punk interjected, knocking both Cena and Show to the ground. The WWE Champion then went to the announcer booth to proclaim that maybe John Cena is right, and the reason why Punk isn’t getting the respect he deserves is because he is letting people walk all over him. He announces that he will no longer play the role of the nice guy, and re-enters the ring to finish his Summerslam opponents off. Show has other plans however, as he caught Punk’s high kick and responded with a WMD to the champ. He followed that up by giving Cena a WMD of his own. The show went to black with Big Show standing over both Punk and Cena while holding the WWE Championship.

Well, this week was better than last week. There was more matches, and far less use of repeated promos. Last night’s show felt a lot meatier, and it didn’t make me hate the extra hour of content. Things are only going to heat up on Monday Night RAW as Summerslam nears, and I’ll be here to talk about it all. Until next week, this is Brandon from Off the Top Rope, tapping out for now!

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~ by Brandon Gnuschke on August 7, 2012.

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